Parents and sharents
Rethinking support systems
Hello everyone,
This newsletter comes to you from Cal.
At our first event in January, I noticed there were a lot of people who were open to the idea of being a committed support figure in a child's life; not a full-time parent, but instead someone who is an aunt/uncle figure, a 'sharent', or a 'bonus parent' (lots of terms for this concept). It got me thinking.
I worked in childcare for about 10 years, and was involved with lots of families based mainly around one school in London. This gave me the opportunity to really get to know parents at the school gates and after-school picnics, and see their families expand; the challenges and joys. There was a good community there, but I did get a sense of the isolation a lot of parents experience.
So, at the January co-parenting event, I started wondering if there were existing families out there, who maybe would enjoy and benefit from this type of extra community help. We don't need to wait for people to meet, sort through the logistics, conceive, and birth the baby - there are kids and parents already out there.
I have some friends who are interested in being support figures. One fear that keeps coming up in conversation that they (as a sharent) could be left behind. I have experienced the pain of this myself, when a family with three children, who I’d been with for five years (one of them since birth), moved away. Around the same time, my sister also moved her family of four kids away. I was heartbroken. Neither of these families 'owed' me any decision-making or consideration especially with their choices, but it hurt nevertheless.
This experience motivated me to set-up one of Queer Platonic Coparenting’s next events - the one at the LGBTQ Community Centre on the 21st May. My hope is that people interested in this “support figure” idea - parents and sharents alike - can come and spend a few hours on a Saturday talking about it and taking the first steps in seeing if it’s for them. And children are welcome too - we’ll have a dedicated area for this.
I recognise it’s no easy feat to form these types of connections. There’s not a huge framework for them in our society. I learnt a lot from my experiences. When creating these new bonds, big life changes such as relocation would need to be carefully considered. Yes, you're not a primary parent with the responsibility and obligations, but ideally this difference in power dynamic needs to be discussed from the beginning of the relationship so people can make informed choices. It's also not just 'babysitting', it needs to feel right for all parties or resentment could easily arise on either side.
No doubt there are lots of things to think through from the parents’ side too, i.e., “Who is this person who would like to become a part of my family, and can I really trust them with my child/ren?”. “What happens if they have their own kids - will our support figure suddenly drop out of our life?”. In order to navigate these questions, you need to bear in mind that it takes effort from everyone involved, and often – as with all things in life - the best way to approach this is through honesty, commitment, trust and love.
We really hope that this event can help people think through some of these questions and ideas, and maybe even forge some connections - between all involved.
See you all there!
Cal
Upcoming events
20th May - Join us for a relaxed discussion 3-5pm at the Queery in Brighton. This will primarily be a community building & information sharing event, with a view to setting up speed-meeting events in the future for people interested in finding others to co-parent with. If you have Brighton connections, please invite people along. It’s free, please register.
21st May - Come to the LGBTQ Community Centre in London, 3-6pm. And if you have kids, they’re welcome too! This event differs from previous ones in that it's going to be mainly focused on getting people with existing children to meet people without kids who would like to provide support to them. It’s free, please register.
1st July - Parenting Beyond the Couple Norm are running a discussion in Bristol. It’s 3-5pm at St Anne’s Church.
Community updates
QPCP Personals - We’ve had three submissions so far for our QPCP Personal - call outs for co-parents and community building. If you’re interested in posting a “Personal” to our insta grid, just send us a square and an instagram handle. More info here and guidelines can be found here.
Email us - for all of you who shun social media, we now have an email address for you: queerplatoniccoparenting@gmail.com. Get in touch with comments, ideas, helpful resources or if you want to help run our organising group.